I have spoken to quite a few people recently and because of Facebook and me refusing to post negative things or photo’s that could reflect bad vibes onto our family and our marriage… most of those I spoke to had the impression that we had the perfect life and marriage. OK, first… I just want to make it clear that I do not lie when I post photo’s or statuses on my Facebook. I just choose to not post the negative, but that also doesn’t mean we are perfect.
My husband and I met in April 2009. Our first date was on 26 April 2009 and he made it official by asking me to be his girl on 29 April 2009. We dated almost two years and got married on 15 January 2011. We just celebrated our half decade anniversary and it was truly a special day. We very nearly didn’t make it this far….
Because we live in a time of when something is broken you throw it away and buy a new one, it has become allot easier to simply divorce. Young people are getting married with the idea of, “if it doesn’t work, we’ll simply divorce.” I can not see it being any harder to stay and fight for your marriage in the current time and life we are living in, than in any other time…
We decided to stay and fight. 🙂
The day we got married I had this perfect happily ever after idea in my head. Even though we were living together for just over a year before we got married, everything changed as soon as we signed the papers. We got comfy…. The most dangerous area you could ever step in. We stopped dating…. Those who are married know how important it is to never stop dating and to never stop being friends. About 6 months after our first baby (boy) was born, we started experiencing a massive attack on our marriage. My hubby had a huge op and our marriage was at war. People we loved were used by the enemy to break our unity. These people were not aware of what was happening, therefor, I do not hold it against them. Within that war my mind shifted from newly wed, to mom and wife. Suddenly there was a tear in our unity. When I looked at my husband I saw my enemy and not my friend. When he looked at me, he saw his enemy and not his friend. 6 Months later, we decided it’s do or die. We made a date, went out of town and talked. Everything was fine again. I answered to the call of God on my life and started studying His word. This was only the calm before the storm. The trust was broken and we weren’t friends yet, but not enemies.
I fell pregnant; and right after our second baby (girl) was born we entered ANOTHER war zone. And guess what, it started the day we went home for the first time with our newborn baby girl. It’s so ironic how the enemy loves to use a time of joy to start his time of sorrow. John 10:10 “10 The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].” (AMP)
The enemy hates unity, so much so that he will do ANYTHING to break it. God works where there is unity. So, after we got home, the fights started. He was absent and I was raising the kids on my own. Started working 3 weeks after our babies’ birth to help with whatever is needed in the house. Eventually my business went down, due to everything else that was dragging me down. We fought every single day. Woke up angry, went to bed angry. Fought in front of the kids. Every time over the same things… he’s absent and I don’t have money for the kids…. I went to our pastor and his wife for direction and they started praying with me. Matthew 18:20 [Full Chapter] “For where two or three are gathered in My name [meeting together as My followers], I am there among them.” (AMP)
“[ The Folly of Riches ] He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves abundance with its gain. This too is vanity (emptiness).” (AMP)
My husband loved money, and he also loved the idea of money and things. That made the tear in our unity even worse….
So I made the biggest mistake I could ever make and I detached. I only focused on my children and my new job. Probably the best job EVER, with the best boss EVER, who has now become my best friend. My husband went looking for friendship in a different place, seeing that I was not willing to be his friend anymore. (No, not that kind….. We were both faithful to each other even through all this.) I needed to get my head cleared. I didn’t know whether I wanted to stay or leave our marriage. We were unhappy, but neither of us wanted to admit it… I went for a holiday by the sea and during that week my husband found a new friend. This friend was a blessing in disguise. Even though he liked doing what my husband liked doing, (Drinking, partying, fishing etc… Whatever guys like to do….) he was still a man of faith and I was grateful for that. My husband started drinking less, and then more… I detached COMPLETELY!
I didn’t pray anymore, I didn’t protect him anymore, I simply went on with my life. The worst decision I could have ever made. Yet…. I still wanted to be married to him. I love him. We had a turn for the worse!! I sent him a message saying that he could come and fetch his bags that night and then decide where he wanted to stay, with his friends or his parents…. I was even willing to pack his bags for him. As soon as I sent the message, I felt free. But not happy…. not relieved. Can I say “unhappy relieved”? Even though I loved him with all my heart, I couldn’t put our children through this life any longer. Something had to change.
And here’s where God brought His Hand in under us.
Remember those I told you about that the enemy used to break us? God used them to heal us…. How amazing!!! They had a word with my husband and he realized that it was now either the end or simply the beginning. That night when he came home, he spoke to me, promised once again that he would change. (What made this time different? He actually changed.) I told him straight that I was at my wits end, completely unhappy and this was the very last time that I was willing to try. I apologized for hurting him. For detaching. For leaving him in the dark when I was supposed to be on my knees daily, fighting. I am entirely grateful to those who were on their knees, praying for us non stop. This happened about a week before Christmas 2015. On Christmas day I woke up with a thankful heart, that we could spend the day together. It was SO close that we nearly didn’t. But God is great and He commands light where there is darkness.
As the days and weeks passed, we grew closer again. Spent more time together. Spoke softer. He drank less and I re-attached. On our 5th wedding anniversary we woke up with absolute peace in our hearts. I told him that I wanted nothing from him. No gifts this year, the fact that we are still together and made it through the war, was an extra special gift. I found the friend I was searching for in my husband and he brought a confidence into our marriage that I can not explain. All the glory belongs to Christ alone, for He is our Rock and our Fortress. This past week my husband looked me in the eye, held me close and said “thank you”. Thank you for staying married to him, he told me that he was proud of me and asked forgiveness for everything that happened. And yet, I didn’t feel like he was the wrong one. He had to forgive me first. I asked him to please forgive me first, I added so much damage to our marriage. Instantly God restored our unity, trust, friendship and companionship. We stand back to back in everything.
This morning was the most special moment that could have happened this year. We were accepted as a family, a unit, into our church. Introduced as new members. I was introduced as a member last year, but this morning we were a family. A unity. I told my hubby this morning, as a little girl I always wanted to marry a pastor, and host marriage camps and do marriage counselling. This might still come to pass, but we are not quite there yet. Having that dream as a little girl, I didn’t consider that we would have to go through hard times first, before we could help others. Today I do not think that we are even close to handling couples counseling, but this might just be the plan God has for us. How wonderful is our God for saving our unity from destruction by the enemy. Using the knives to heal the wounds. Only He can do that!!
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12Amplified Bible (AMP)
“9 Two are better than one because they have a more satisfying return for their labor; 10 for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and does not have another to lift him up.11 Again, if two lie down together, then they keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? 12 And though one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (God, husband and wife in unity.)
Have a blessed week!